[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
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Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?