An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
You Might Also Like
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
That’s amazing.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE