surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
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I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys