Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
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The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Ferrari squats
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.