Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
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“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
(True)
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?