I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
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5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.