POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
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A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway