Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
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DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts