My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
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My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.