My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
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Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.