Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
You Might Also Like
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
I can’t deal with men any longer
I’m going to need a moment here.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.