Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
You Might Also Like
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?