[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
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telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
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ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
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In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
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“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
APOLOGISE NOW!!!