Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
You Might Also Like
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.