{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
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*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!