Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
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I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Wise advice
What if the weather talks about us?