Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
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Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses