🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
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Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”