i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
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I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.