If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
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jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
When someone says you are so lazy
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.