Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
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ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
same bro
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam