Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
You Might Also Like
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”