Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
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[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*