2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
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This took me a second..
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?