The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
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Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.