To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
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famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
two people or more is called a problem
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Some people were born into their job.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.