*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
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Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
That de-escalated quickly
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.