Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
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If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”