At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
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That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Ion see the issue
i will avenge u mr van gogh
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
cry laughing at this shit
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
My dad.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.