One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
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DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Check your privilege
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”