Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
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[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
🤣😈🤣
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
You are not alone 💚
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here