My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
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[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.