If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
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“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no