so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
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Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*