Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
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Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.