“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
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Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
23. the denim jacket
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
dogs can find happiness so easily
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.