Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
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5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Don’t tell me what to do
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.