You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
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unless you鈥檙e ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain鈥檛 chasing shit
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 馃憣馃徏
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 馃槨馃棷
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
wanna know what鈥檚 worse than being cheated on? finding out he鈥檚 trying to cheat but nobody wants him 馃槶
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I鈥檇 say big sister practice is going pretty well.