I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
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Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.