Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
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Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich