“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
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rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans