Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
You Might Also Like
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.