Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
You Might Also Like
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
This line from Airplane.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice