My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
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What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
My guardian angel deserves a raise
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.