“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
You Might Also Like
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Sing it!
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.