getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
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I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.