earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
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me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Always 🥴
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.