I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
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Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Admin smashed it 😂
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”