Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
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Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
#Caturday
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.