[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
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I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
White Castle for the Win
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.